Sunday, November 19, 2006

Well I'm back and will endeavour to constrain my blog to just things about me to avoid complaints from my ex-partner.

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and the past week in particular has been very difficult as I chose to drink on a number of occasions culminating in Saturday when I found it almost impossible to stop. I tried to get librium from the emergency doctor and in the end had to drink a reduced amount of alcohol just to calm me down. The support offered by the emergency doctor service over the weekend was non-existent but my own GP on Monday was good.

I've been sober since Sunday morning. It's not been easy. My emotions are raw and I'm finding life tough - but then AA makes it clear that this would happen if I carried on drinking. There are a lot of yets that haven't happened to me - yet.

This disease tells me I can drink safely when I know full well I cannot. The only answer is to surrender - I am powerless over alcohol. The only choice is not to drink at all and attend AA meetings.

I went back to AA last night. It was an emotional experience and I'm glad I was able to share - albeit with tears in my eyes. Got a lot of support and I'll keep coming back, just like I've been told.

I'm feeling quite low today, quite depressed but I don't want a drink. I'm also back on acamprosate - the drug that is supposed to help cravings.

I'm desperately hoping that I will still be able to have my children this weekend, but accept that it might not happen - I feel an enourmous weight of guilt for nearly depriving them of a Dad they love and who loves them to bits. A once proud man is not feeling that proud at all. I'm not feeling self pity but hope this is surrender and humility.

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